ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's shark week go big or go home
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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