SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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