Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
