I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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