I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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