the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
