I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
