Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
