yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
