I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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