Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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