if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
