so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
