I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
