Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
