Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
