During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
