Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
