True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
