I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
