I don't usually arrange sex via text message
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
