Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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