I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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