Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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