I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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