i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
