So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
why do cheetos always look like penises
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
