Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
