Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Randomize
