and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
