I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i would one night stand the shit outta him
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize