I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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