Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
