I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
