The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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