Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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