You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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