It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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