How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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