People in love make me want to vomit
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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