Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
