my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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