I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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