My room smells like vodka and shame
My sheets look like a crime scene.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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