The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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