dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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