and you said cock pushups were impossible
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
