I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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