My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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