Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
