I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
