i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
