you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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