Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
