So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
