So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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