Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
