census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
