I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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