She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
