I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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