my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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