My entire life is one complicated drinking game
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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