No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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