My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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